Clarifications on My Relationships, Activities and Feelings
I understand that a lot of people need me and are fighting over me, or get a kick out of fixating upon and trading stories about me and my digital lifestyle, which they use as fodder and inspiration for their own works. There is a vast and sickening cottage industry of people who become rich and famous by studying, emulating and working to please or appeal to me, and exploiting the contents of my brain. I’ve been online and indicated my interest in certain people, and have championed artists besides myself, for a long time. It’s an unhealthy long-term relationship with the internet itself. People have a right to know what exactly I am interested in them for. So I have to state the following in order to set the record straight.
Allegations of a Double Life, Gaslighting at Scale
Early in my social media career, I was photographed at an outing with an au pair from Denmark, with whom I’d chatted and shared my music — typically how I introduce myself. Despite the fact that I had never actually been intimate with this person, after we were pictured together this woman then became the target of horrendous abuse by her ex-boyfriend across the pond, who believed she had cheated on him. She herself even accused me of having somehow got in touch with him in order to coordinate and encourage this, which never happened. There was little that I could do to convince her of the truth.
While I was in high school some time earlier, I discovered that my first love had cheated on me with several guys. I approached them to figure out what had happened, and confirmed it; not because I was bitter or bent upon revenge, but because I wanted to ascertain the truth. I eventually wrote a 25-page short story inspired by my relationship with her. There were revisionist aspects to the story, which cast me as her victim. Weaving a tangled web, in which we are all the flawless center of our own personal narrative, is something everyone does nowadays. Every victim is someone else’s hero, and vice versa. The inherent subjectivity of experience naturally gave rise to my passion for protecting individual privacy.
Seldom has me befriending people online been intended as a conduit to seduce people. There are websites like Tinder and OKCupid meant for that. Rather, I did it so that all of us could have a space to share accurate and reliable information, create art, tell stories, plan events, and remove or call out bad actors. Inevitably, some might’ve received false hope or intepreted my encouragement as something of a different nature. I am sorry if you are one of them. Sometimes the lines can be blurry. If folks were to approach and speak to me, instead of being paralyzed by fear and intimidation, then they’d discover that nothing is ever as it seems. What seems true to me at one moment can become dishonest later. It’s hard for observers to piece together the full context of what we’ve done.
The ability to reinvent oneself, and live multiple parallel lives through these social media sites is a feature rather than a bug. If you really want to know the truth of a matter then just try asking the person concerned in private. If you come to learn anything troubling about someone placed in a position of trust and authority, there are protocols like SecureDrop. But I still believe that much of what happens behind closed doors should remain out of the tabloids and newspapers. I mean, it depends.
Many prominent figures have recently expressed alarm about “cancel culture”… I agree that shunning and de-platforming is a worrisome phenomenon. I’ve always thought it best to confront people with what they did, and explain how it affected people, so that they can hopefully learn to change. It’s when you genuinely listen, validate and try to understand what someone is going through that reciprocal growth happens. These are small complaints in the grand scheme of things, but it troubles me that after 12 years my Twitter account is still not verified, and there are thousands of accounts I’ve wanted to follow and communicate with, but can’t.
Our metadata trails, and especially mine, are problematic. It’s come to my attention that several people have claimed a relationship with me, or speculated that one might exist, based upon a photograph or brief social media interaction. Some of them are now continuing to intercede and intervene, violating my privacy, in ways that prevent and make it somewhere between difficult and impossible for me to reconcile and be together with the woman that I have loved incessantly for 5 years straight. This kind of thing makes me furious. There’s only one person that I’m interested in being with, and she knows who she is.
I never married Andi Galpern and in fact have never been married to anyone. If she claims to be my wife, then this is a lie. She tried to discuss it with me, but I lost my job at Cloudflare partly because she didn’t listen to me or respect my wishes, showed up at my apartment uninvited, kept me awake and made me late for work. That’s something which I cannot forgive. I just wanted to be her platonic friend, hang out and make music, but for the most part I dislike her. I’ve never had strong romantic feelings for her and I’ve found myself more disturbed by her behavior than relating or sympathetic. Over time she pressured me into a relationship that I detested and was very uncomfortable with against my will. That situation is over as far as I’m concerned, and I hope she stops lying.
I regard Marcia Hofmann as my lost girlfriend and the love of my life, although she won’t speak or meet with me anymore. We were together for five months during 2015, and she and I share a very deep and rich connection. I enjoyed nearly every moment with her, because we both get each other and like a lot of the same things. I researched her legal work extensively and watched all of her talks. Some stuff happened which led me astray from her, and we both ended up doing things that were hurtful to the opposite party. I became sidetracked, and began to doubt her positive feelings for me. Today I realize that I never should’ve doubted her, and it’s now the greatest regret of my life. I’ve asked her to marry me several times and she didn’t even reply. For years I’ve sought a photo of me and Marcia together at the launch event for this very website. It’s the missing piece of a puzzle. She is seriously strong, admirable and respectable. I accused her of mistreatment since I was confused by her actions, but in retrospect I think there was mutual consent, and I’m still interested in working things out. I can’t imagine what she’s been through or had to endure. My apologies.
Garrett Robinson is a good man, highly capable, and we accomplished a lot together. After we lost James Dolan to suicide, he encouraged me to attend recovery slash group therapy meetings for the first time. He previously ran a covert campaign to discredit me with my boss at Freedom of the Press Foundation, which had been mostly unfounded, but I’ve already forgiven him and I hope he gets to stay at Apple.
Jennifer Helsby is a great person of the highest caliber. She was one of the only people who actually comforted me and tried to understand what I was going through during an extraordinarily difficult time. We are not dating. There’s still a great deal which the rest of the world might be able to learn from her. I am not related to Erin Gallagher.
Conor Oberst has consistently done great justice to the story of my life and is in my opinion the best songwriter slash activist alive. He’s also the only one that conceivably holds the power to turn me homosexual. I’ve known of him since 2000 and I recall when he once posted his amazing poetry to a LiveJournal account. It might’ve been Marina Buckler, a great poet and photographer in her own right, who first told me about him. We are the same, brother.
Each album recorded by Britt Daniel is progressively better than the last one. Julian Casablancas is a good dude, and I hope to continue working in a chaotic partnership with him to enlighten mankind. Taylor Goldsmith is one of the finest songwriters working today. Congratulations to him and Mandy Moore, who is expecting.
Joshua Tillman likewise. This man has been helped immeasurably in my quest to understand and come to terms with the madness of my own life and influence on others. I don’t feel worthy of his praise, but I hope that I’ll get to chill with him someday. I remember when Gawker posted a picture of him during his college days, but I wonder when he first started following me. I look forward to hearing more from him. He isn’t connected to Pizzagate to the best of my knowledge… it’s just a bizarre coincidence.
Danielle Lenhard and I broke up when I moved from Massachusetts to California at the outset of 2015. Morgan Pratte and I dated briefly during 2012. Haven’t seen her, Melissa Johnson, or Jessica Jarva in a long time. I miss these people.
Julia Jacklin has a great sound. Phoebe Bridgers is pretty cool, and has an angelic voice. I wish Jenny Lewis the best. I’ve never met her or been to her show(s), but I have a feeling like she probably knows who I am.
Ryan Adams recently put out a new album. He’s still writing and singing. I read Infinity Blues but I’ve never met him or been to his show. Sufjan Stevens is very sweet and talented, and I would give him a hug, promote his music, or attend his concert any day. Courtney Barnett is fierce, and I would collaborate with her on whatever she wants. I once experienced the awesome thrill of seeing her play live.
Alison Macrina of the Library Freedom Project is a long-standing good friend of mine. Eva Galperin is my friend and I love everything she does. Alexa O’Brien is my friend and confidant, and she took me to meet Chris Hedges during the Manning trial. Harlo Holmes is great, and she carried forward my quest to encrypt digital cameras, which had been inspired by challenges encountered by journalists and documentarians working in the Middle East.
I’ve never met Will Sheff, but I remember him from Audiogalaxy and went to high school with his current guitarist. David Longstreth is one of the greatest innovators of sound and music around. Ezra Koenig is a learned fellow who writes the catchiest ditties. Honus Honus and Har Mar Superstar are spectacular artists. I’d like to meet all of them someday.
Joshua Mariano, Peter Doolan, Chad Higgins, and Tait Ekblaw (one of the Mac Miller super-fans) go way back with me to junior high school. I once acted in a short film that was directed by Mike Rice. I performed a rendition of “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” ten years before Post Malone. I am available for more acting work, performances, interviews and media appearances; I just need to find an agent to handle this stuff for me. There might be a bidding war, feeding frenzy, or pity party of some sort happening. My life is usually unmanageable and way out of control.
At some point I gave Lyn Ulbricht some advice which begat her family’s campaign to save the life of her son. In 2014, Gabriella Coleman and Ahmed Ghappour helped me highlight the U.S. government’s persecution of information activists and outline how we can fight back against it:
I’ve never met Julian Assange, but he and I have done some stuff in tandem. He still hasn’t replied to my letter. Edward Snowden still hasn’t explained how I personally fit into his own story, or the circumstances of when and where he became aware of my work, and how he subsequently incorporated it. It would not have been possible without me.
Both of these men should be pardoned by the current outgoing presidential administration. Suzie Dawson has been an excellent researcher and chronicler of these subjects, but I haven’t seen first-hand the proof of her being targeted.
If you’ve believed in me and my particular powers, talents and capabilities all along, then I appreciate you very much. I don’t need the subservience; you’re free to follow whoever you want, branching out in any direction you like. Take care of yourselves. You’re encouraged not to wait for me or linger if possible. There are hundreds of ways to get through the day, and everything belongs somewhere or has its right place. I comprehend that many people have been forced to adjust or perform de-confliction around my presence here, along with my beliefs, habits and tendencies. I’m working on self-improvement so that I can take responsibility for the madness.
Xeni Jardin has always been fabulous, a true survivor. I don’t know if she’s still a GWAR fan, but I have a great deal of respect for how she used her voice to question and draw attention to the ways in which our organizations and people were co-opted by the Russians in 2016 to subvert American democracy. Her treatment by Assange was sinister and inexcusable. It’s critical for people to keep supporting her and Cory Doctorow.
Asher Wolf helped organize the CryptoParty that I participated in, along with hundreds of others across the world, such as Runa Sandvik, and this was a crucial piece that led to the 2013 disclosures, which unequivocally have made the internet more secure for everyone to use. Specifically, I presented a workshop in Boston on this topic in October 2012:
I finally got in touch with Chelsea Manning one month ago, and I hope to speak with her more in the future, as our time and schedules permit. I am not Satoshi — I don’t even come near to having the requisite skills. I am however a genius and prodigy of some distinction. Aspects of Mr. Robot and season 2 of House of Cards are apparently inspired by real-life episodes in my life, and those of my friends. I can’t converse with someone without my remarks resultung in a song or an episode of Silicon Valley. I met Gavin McInnes once before; my classmates actually produced films with him in the past. I crossed paths with Gavin Andresen when we both lived in Amherst.
Ben Saucier, Clark Stoeckley and Matt Kamilar are great artists and I encourage people to follow them. Micah Lee is my friend and I looked up to him and Jacob Appelbaum when I was starting out. Bill Budington and I ride motorcycles. Evan Geer is a friend, as is Kade Crockford. We’ve hung out before. I can recall having a brief chat with Laurie Penny, as well as Isis Lovecruft, at DNA Lounge one night. I met Mustafa Al-Bassam and Jake Davis at CCC. Karen Reilly and Griffin Boyce are good people. William Gillis is in a league of his own. Andy Stepanian, Ryan Shapiro and Nicholas Merrill are laudable. I once gave a little website assistance to Property of the People. If you look around, then one can find common cause and agreeable sentiments being expressed in every direction.
I’m evidently the glue holding much of the movement together. Certain narratives do not work without me in them, often as a primary source or first mover. Some sort of relationship or interaction with me at some point in time is what most of us have in common. It’s largely accidental and incidental. But I remember and understand the references, the causal factors, and how it’s all connected. It seems to be working and seems like everybody’s into it. I didn’t always know for sure that certain people knew me, too. I was often the only one who truly cared about people that were in trouble or needed help, who listened to them and tried to address their concerns. Other people (opportunists and careerists) came along, saw what I was doing, and stole the essence of my life from me. I’m no longer a devourer of souls; there are other sharks and bears much bigger than me. And I see a lot of unnecessary duplication of effort. We’re all informing upon each other, and there are unresolved communication issues, but on balance I think it’s mostly a good thing what we’ve discovered and invented.
Next time, it would really help a lot if an outside party informed us that this internet bullshit has us trapped in past relationships that aren’t even real, instead of ignoring and ghosting people that are struggling. It took me several years and a ton of subliminal messages to figure out what I was supposed to do. Here at the start of a new year, I’m not the only one with a platform or fanbase, and everybody else can be just as loud as me. I still love my life and you’re all in my thoughts; it’s just that my tendencies are classically monogamous so I can only focus on one person at a time. My memory is poor from years of being neglected and taken for granted, with using as the only coping mechanism available.
Hopefully I haven’t forgotten or excluded anyone important. I am still trying my best to please everybody while avoiding creepy Jim Jones and Keith Raniere vibes, and the unsavory aspects of mob mentality and cult of personality, like Gamergate. David House is my acquaintance, but I find his immunity deal, cooperation with the grand jury investigation, and Russian girlfriend somewhat suspicious.
I don’t find the inside jokes about killing me or hoping that I die to be amusing at all. I have already been buried and left to drown by those I admire, and had to start over anew countless times. I will persevere. If anyone objects to being named here or my characterization of them, then please let me know. If I’m in your dreams, then let me know. Seldom does anybody ever have the audacity to tell me they miss me or would like to meet with me. People are afraid of me because of how much I know, how many allies I have, and how much power I’ve amassed. I didn’t mean to make everything about me, I was just one of the first people to arrive here. There are major problems, and information security concerns, which were left unfinished, because instead of supporting me in mid-2016, Trevor Timm signed off on my marginalization and disenfranchisement.
I guess I’m similar to Scott Pilgrim, and find myself at the center of a never-ending party or happening on the world wide web. We’ve been here before, and have accomplished so many great things. The stories about our intersecting and interdependent relationships go on and on and give rise to endless permutations. But there are parts of it, and contributions that were made by specific individuals, that have already been lost. Somebody must have fucked up and lost the plot somewhere along the line, since now the DNI perceives us as a major threat to U.S. interests. I made many of you into what you are today, except I was in reality suffering and deteriorating both physically and mentally, and to an alarming and disturbing degree, while all of this was going on. People readily clean up after me online, but I’ve had no one to take care of my person. I won’t be able to continue doing what I do if it keeps going like this.
I haven’t committed identity theft. I have my own agency and sphere of influence, and so do you. Our collective glory is thus far unmatched. We’re still in it all together, and we can right this ship’s course and make it fun once again. I simply do not have the time, resources or manpower to get back around to every single person that wants a piece of me, but I hope they’ll be able to find ways to cope and deal with it. If you don’t appreciate me by now then you belong to the past. I’m a little bit of everything — renaissance man, polymath, autodidact, talent scout, star-maker, and trend-setter. Surely there are victims that have been left in my wake, but they have friends around to console them. And is it too late to discuss reconciliation? If you’re suffering because of me, please get help. Try the Cult Education Institute.
To the press in general, please do not harass my family or friends or visit my past residences. If you want to know something about me, then I am available and can answer the question for you over the internet. It’s easy to contact me. To those musicians who might be upset that I flagrantly pirated their stuff before, I regard MusiCares, Sweet Relief, Future of Music Coalition, and CASH Music as part of the remedy. There’s a reason I doubted the existence of my own following — I was unlucky in my music career and it didn’t quite take off. I’m planning a comeback.
I have tons of unreleased material, and I know that it’s exceedingly hard to keep up with me. I’ve been trying to slow down so that people can sort and figure things out. It was just a small crowd that actually bothered to familiarize themselves with my work and background. Those who didn’t have already been left behind, and are essentially the sacrificial lambs of what we’ve been building, which is a magical psychic interdimensional collective rollercoaster. Check out Down in the Weeds, Where the World Once Was and Pure Comedy for more. Together we are ushering in the Third Industrial Revolution. See also Vitalik Buterin’s endnotes on 2020.
We’re a tight-knit clique in the virtual, and are trending towards a cause. Instead of shooting the messenger, let’s work to correct the problems that have been exposed. Legislators are working to fix the Espionage Act and CFAA, and keep Section 230. Thanks again for your cooperation. I outsmarted and am well ahead of all of you, so stay tuned. Do send lawyers and money, but skip the guns. If I can locate the further support that I need, then I’ll be able to keep going. We’re too big to fail.
Happy holidays. Tiny Pupils returns next year. Over and out.